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This week has been really emotionally draining for me. I am sharing some VERY personal testimony with my blog audience and theoretically the whole world. It's kind of weird. After Monday's post, I got some emails from people saying that they read my blog and it has really reached them. One person said, "I believe you can reach a lot of people with this blog series. If not, you reached one." That was really encouraging for me.

Sharing these experiences makes me seem like I am blaming my life problems on my father. This is far from the truth. As you can probably tell, my father and I don't talk much anymore. Since you read yesterday's post, my father and I have had a rocky relationship since. Since my father cheated on my mother, he has since married the woman across the street from the house I grew up in. He has turned his parents against my mother and my brothers. What once was a close family now lies in ruins. There are bits and pieces here and there, but NOTHING like it used to be.

My father has 6 other brothers and sisters. My grandparents were Catholic and Italian, so this makes reason for 7 kids. My father, however, was always held up higher than his brothers and sisters. He was the good one, the one who would be most successful. My father was the proverbial golden child. Sociology will tell you that this is pretty normal for families of 3 or more kids.

Looking back at my father's history, he has a God complex. He can do whatever he wants and still get away with it in the end. To me, this is as obvious as the sun is to daytime now. However, this "trait" that my dad carried around was passed on in his family. It was passed on to me.

I have said before, my father and I were not really close until I could find common ground with him. That took me 18 years. Finally after that, my dad and I were really close. I would call him every day and just ask stupid and random questions. On other occasions I would text him funny things or send him emails of funny pictures I found. He was there for me. Finally, I could have a REAL relationship with my father.

Yet, when I look back at my life, I see that I have acted A LOT like my father over the years. It's kind of like the statistic that says, if a child views their parents fighting physically, 86% of the time, they will be a victim of domestic abuse later on in their life. Now my father never laid a hand on my mother, but his emotional abuse towards my mother, my brothers, and me were just as bad. I effectively picked up parts of my father that I never realized I had.

When I was a teenager, I had problems lying about small and big things. It would be about anything! If I was leaving to go get Wendy's for lunch, I would tell my mom I am going to WalMart for a minute. It never made sense. Hind sight REALLY is 20-20. I was a horrible person.

When my father broke the news to me that he was divorcing my mother, I went into shock. I think my shock lasted longer than it should have. That night I called my girlfriend, who is my NOW wife, and told her we were going to get through this. She and I had just started dating as well.

My father, through out his marriage, was the king manipulator. He ALWAYS got his way. It was crazy. I never noticed how he did it, but some how I picked it up. When I was a teenager, it was as if I discovered I had super powers. I realized and learned how to manipulate people to my advantage, and I was good at it. This is why the lying was so out of control. I had many problems and I used people, even my closest friends to get my way.

After hearing the devastating news, I saw my life in a new light. I saw the problems that I didn't notice before. Suddenly, as if the entire world shut off into black and a giant spot light was placed on me, I saw myself in a different light. I was still acting as the manipulative teenager that I was. I became a believer at 17, but somehow sin had a hold on me. Because of this giant awakening, I shut down mentally.

I was spiraling out of control. I went into a deep depression, but swept it under the rug. During this time I was a worship leader for our contemporary service, doing youth ministry and recreation ministry. I was working 8 days a week, 26 hours a day! I was non stop and it was my belief that the harder I worked, the better it would become. Then, I hit the wall.

I was engaged to my now wife during this time, I was seeking counseling for my problems, but I had sunk REALLY low. It got to the point where I would make up excuses not to go into work. I didn't want to breathe. I was ready to die. Because of all this pain and turmoil inside me, I had to leave my job. I loved the church, the pastor, the students, but it was unfair to them for me to be living this way. I could not spiritually pour into them anymore. I was a dried up well. So I left my church after only being there 13 months. I let down the church, my pastor, the kids, my future wife and her family, my family, myself....but as you can see I listed ALL these people before God. I know I let Him down too. I was literally broken from the inside out.

I am coming to the conclusion of this blog series pretty soon. As a reader of my blog, I want you to know that I love my father, just not the person he has become. When the light is truly shined on you, you may not like what you see. It's not about who I am to all the people in my congregation. It  is not about all the people who are in my youth group. It is not about my group of friends. It is not about my wife. My life is about who I am to the one who gave me life in the first place. Big Daddy Weave said it best, it's to my audience of one.

I may have betrayed my father as he has betrayed his family. God can save anyone, but I gave up on trying to save my father. I know what my cross is the bear, and that is the relationship with my father. Questions come up all the time in my head: What will my children say? Am I honoring God by this? What am I doing? How can I be so callous towards my father who raised me, was at my baseball games, supported me financially through the flops of life, and helped shape the man I am today?

The father I knew is dead. He will tell you he is the same person, just now with exposed sin to the community. That is a lie. I have sins that are not exposed, but I have many that are. My sin now is that I am/was not honoring God, my heavenly father. At times I have wished my father to die. I want him to be dead because he is already dead to me. I wished harm and prayed for harm to happen to his "new" family. But then I remember the spot light that God shone on me. I saw who I was, and where I have come from that....only God can make a dry well overflow with water again.