the father I never wanted (part 3)...
4:34 AM | 
Posted by
Mark Ashby
I have been thinking and really searching deep in myself since I started this series. I was questioning whether I should be plastering all this info on the internet. Students, student leaders, any random person trolling through blogs are reading this. They see the personal side of me which, until now, I tried to keep as private as possible.
For those that read this blog and know me, I am sorry if it seems as though I am dishonoring my father. As I have stated and will continue to state, I love my father with all my heart. However, the person he is will never be a part of my life again. At least I keep telling myself that.
For now, I will continue the series with the most devastating news that came into my life about 2 years ago. My father, the thief, liar, and cheater finally revealed himself in true form on October 10, 2009.
At this time in my life, I was 24 years old, finally had my first full time job as a youth minister at a great church and I had an amazing girlfriend who was very supportive of me and my crazy habits and addictions (trivia every Tuesday night). However, one day I got a phone call from my dad. He told me he was in the area and wanted to come and see me. I said, "SURE! Come on in and I will show you around the church and my NEW office!".
My father arrived and I was so happy. I was excited to show him around and for him to see my new big office. It was great! So they buzzed him in, and he came up the stairs to my office. We hugged, made small talk, and then he dropped the biggest atomic bomb that would destroy ANYONE'S life! "Mark, your mother and I decided to get a divorce."
I laughed at him and said "No really, what's up?" With a stone cold face, he sat there staring at me. I turned from my computer and looked him in the eyes. I started to cry. I asked him, is there another woman? "No", he said. In my mind I have 4 billion questions to ask, but my mouth could not utter one word.
I finally look at him and I said with tears streaming down my face, "then why? Why would you quit on our family? Why would you quit on your marriage? You're not a quitter! You told us NEVER TO QUIT!"With a stone cold face, he sat there and said nothing. I am not sure if his emotions were getting to him or if he literally had no words to say.
I looked at him and was now yelling at him. I called him everything from being a quitter to words I should never say in a church. I chewed my father out. MY hero has fallen. I felt like my heart sank to the basement and in a pit that had no end. I had no clue what was coming next.
After the waves calmed a little, I began to have a dream. LET ME BE CLEAR HERE: I am in NO way shape or form a prophet. I do not claim messages from God about people or destroying people etc. I am a person who has had 3 dreams in my life that have been so vivid in details that I believe God was telling ME something. Sorry, had to clear the air. The dream was a recurring dream for 3 nights in a row. It started out with me and my father talking on a couch. I was begging him to tell us why he was getting a divorce and all he was doing was crying. I finally screamed PLEASE in my dream. My father turns his head into the couch and says, "I had an affair with Elaine." He won't talk after this. Suddenly I am with Elaine (this is a woman who lived RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET FROM MY HOUSE FOR MORE THAN 15 YEARS!) and I am asking her how she could do this to us. She didn't say anything. All she did was laugh. Then I would wake up.
During the following months from October 10, I was still in contact with my father. I had the belief I could fix my parents marriage! Hello Hollywood! However, the rest of my family kept telling me that my father had an affair. I didn't believe it. I kept asking him and he said no. He would never lie to me.
Between the ages of 0-18, I had almost no connection with my father. When I told him I felt a calling to the ministry, he kept telling me that I was making a stupid mistake because there is no money in ministry. When I started to see his life changing, I thought maybe I was having some impact. When I became an adult and went to college, my father and I began to be real close. We would talk of spiritual matters. He had come to grips with me and my calling to youth ministry. He was supportive. So between the ages of 18-24, my father was my hero. He would help me ANY time I needed it. He would pick me up if I fell down. He was always there for me. This is why it hurt even more when the news came to my office in October and when the worse news came December 22, 2009.
It was a few days before Christmas, but at this point I have found evidence that my father had an affair with the woman across the street. It all began when I told my oldest brother about my dream. He said that was interesting. He then told me later that, because of my dream, he felt he should investigate this more; to which we then found evidence of him writing emails about his affairs and how he and Elaine plotted to destroy our family and begin their new lives together.
December 22, 2009 was the day I lost my father forever. You see, he told my mother of not just 1 affair, but of 12 different affairs in their 33 year marriage. That same day, after he admitted to all this to my mother, I told him he had to tell me in person. We met at his office. He told me of his affairs, but tried to have word play to make it sound as though my mother made him do this. I know my mother had problems in this marriage as well, but NO woman drives another man to have an affair. It is all by choice and my father chose this path, after 3 years into their marriage.
Suddenly, it became a defensive yelling match. I called my father names that I KNEW would hurt him. I was on the offense trying to defend the family that remained in shambles. My father screams at me some vulgar names as well. It got to the point where he told me to hit him and I dove across the table. I had him with my fist in the air, and he is screaming if you hit me will it make you feel better? Finally I pull back and....stop. I look at my father red faced and angry. He is trying to beat around the bush. I told my father that he is not worth the clothes he is wearing. I told him sternly to never call, text, email, smoke signal or carrier pigeon me EVER again. I told him I hate him and then I spit in his face, pushed him away and stormed out of his office.
To date, this was the most devastating news I have ever had before me. I have had relatives pass, friends die, people hurting come to me and tell me things. This will always be at the top of my list. As I continue this series, I will continue this series tomorrow as to how my life got out of control FAST because of this news.
Again, most people are thinking that this is dishonoring to my father. Most people will probably stop reading because of the novels I am writing and it may make them feel uncomfortable. Risk taking is the way to continue to show faithfulness to God and to honor him. I am taking HUGE risks by posting these deep feelings and pains I have felt through my life.
To me, this is the strength that I have found in Christ. I continue to follow him, fail, and come back to him. However, in my mind, up to this point, I believed that I was a hero. I could save my father. He was my hero so now it was time for the student to become the teacher. I have learned that only God can change him, and I can't. I had to let it go. I have still talked to my father on occasion. I have asked him questions and he has asked me questions. However, things are never going to be the same. My father is a different person. He raised me and was there for me, but he is not the man I know. I have to find the true father who has always been there and is always the same through the ages!
For those that read this blog and know me, I am sorry if it seems as though I am dishonoring my father. As I have stated and will continue to state, I love my father with all my heart. However, the person he is will never be a part of my life again. At least I keep telling myself that.
For now, I will continue the series with the most devastating news that came into my life about 2 years ago. My father, the thief, liar, and cheater finally revealed himself in true form on October 10, 2009.
At this time in my life, I was 24 years old, finally had my first full time job as a youth minister at a great church and I had an amazing girlfriend who was very supportive of me and my crazy habits and addictions (trivia every Tuesday night). However, one day I got a phone call from my dad. He told me he was in the area and wanted to come and see me. I said, "SURE! Come on in and I will show you around the church and my NEW office!".
My father arrived and I was so happy. I was excited to show him around and for him to see my new big office. It was great! So they buzzed him in, and he came up the stairs to my office. We hugged, made small talk, and then he dropped the biggest atomic bomb that would destroy ANYONE'S life! "Mark, your mother and I decided to get a divorce."
I laughed at him and said "No really, what's up?" With a stone cold face, he sat there staring at me. I turned from my computer and looked him in the eyes. I started to cry. I asked him, is there another woman? "No", he said. In my mind I have 4 billion questions to ask, but my mouth could not utter one word.
I finally look at him and I said with tears streaming down my face, "then why? Why would you quit on our family? Why would you quit on your marriage? You're not a quitter! You told us NEVER TO QUIT!"With a stone cold face, he sat there and said nothing. I am not sure if his emotions were getting to him or if he literally had no words to say.
I looked at him and was now yelling at him. I called him everything from being a quitter to words I should never say in a church. I chewed my father out. MY hero has fallen. I felt like my heart sank to the basement and in a pit that had no end. I had no clue what was coming next.
After the waves calmed a little, I began to have a dream. LET ME BE CLEAR HERE: I am in NO way shape or form a prophet. I do not claim messages from God about people or destroying people etc. I am a person who has had 3 dreams in my life that have been so vivid in details that I believe God was telling ME something. Sorry, had to clear the air. The dream was a recurring dream for 3 nights in a row. It started out with me and my father talking on a couch. I was begging him to tell us why he was getting a divorce and all he was doing was crying. I finally screamed PLEASE in my dream. My father turns his head into the couch and says, "I had an affair with Elaine." He won't talk after this. Suddenly I am with Elaine (this is a woman who lived RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET FROM MY HOUSE FOR MORE THAN 15 YEARS!) and I am asking her how she could do this to us. She didn't say anything. All she did was laugh. Then I would wake up.
During the following months from October 10, I was still in contact with my father. I had the belief I could fix my parents marriage! Hello Hollywood! However, the rest of my family kept telling me that my father had an affair. I didn't believe it. I kept asking him and he said no. He would never lie to me.
Between the ages of 0-18, I had almost no connection with my father. When I told him I felt a calling to the ministry, he kept telling me that I was making a stupid mistake because there is no money in ministry. When I started to see his life changing, I thought maybe I was having some impact. When I became an adult and went to college, my father and I began to be real close. We would talk of spiritual matters. He had come to grips with me and my calling to youth ministry. He was supportive. So between the ages of 18-24, my father was my hero. He would help me ANY time I needed it. He would pick me up if I fell down. He was always there for me. This is why it hurt even more when the news came to my office in October and when the worse news came December 22, 2009.
It was a few days before Christmas, but at this point I have found evidence that my father had an affair with the woman across the street. It all began when I told my oldest brother about my dream. He said that was interesting. He then told me later that, because of my dream, he felt he should investigate this more; to which we then found evidence of him writing emails about his affairs and how he and Elaine plotted to destroy our family and begin their new lives together.
December 22, 2009 was the day I lost my father forever. You see, he told my mother of not just 1 affair, but of 12 different affairs in their 33 year marriage. That same day, after he admitted to all this to my mother, I told him he had to tell me in person. We met at his office. He told me of his affairs, but tried to have word play to make it sound as though my mother made him do this. I know my mother had problems in this marriage as well, but NO woman drives another man to have an affair. It is all by choice and my father chose this path, after 3 years into their marriage.
Suddenly, it became a defensive yelling match. I called my father names that I KNEW would hurt him. I was on the offense trying to defend the family that remained in shambles. My father screams at me some vulgar names as well. It got to the point where he told me to hit him and I dove across the table. I had him with my fist in the air, and he is screaming if you hit me will it make you feel better? Finally I pull back and....stop. I look at my father red faced and angry. He is trying to beat around the bush. I told my father that he is not worth the clothes he is wearing. I told him sternly to never call, text, email, smoke signal or carrier pigeon me EVER again. I told him I hate him and then I spit in his face, pushed him away and stormed out of his office.
To date, this was the most devastating news I have ever had before me. I have had relatives pass, friends die, people hurting come to me and tell me things. This will always be at the top of my list. As I continue this series, I will continue this series tomorrow as to how my life got out of control FAST because of this news.
Again, most people are thinking that this is dishonoring to my father. Most people will probably stop reading because of the novels I am writing and it may make them feel uncomfortable. Risk taking is the way to continue to show faithfulness to God and to honor him. I am taking HUGE risks by posting these deep feelings and pains I have felt through my life.
To me, this is the strength that I have found in Christ. I continue to follow him, fail, and come back to him. However, in my mind, up to this point, I believed that I was a hero. I could save my father. He was my hero so now it was time for the student to become the teacher. I have learned that only God can change him, and I can't. I had to let it go. I have still talked to my father on occasion. I have asked him questions and he has asked me questions. However, things are never going to be the same. My father is a different person. He raised me and was there for me, but he is not the man I know. I have to find the true father who has always been there and is always the same through the ages!
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2 comments:
Growing up with you, I knew about most all of this. I know you have been through a lot of hardships, but joys at the same time.
Just to play devils advocate here a little, maybe not, read Romans 8. Kristin just preached on this on Sunday and it talks a lot about forgiveness.
For example. a modern day story she used was the amish school killing happend a few years back, the amish went to the killers funeral. Not to bash the family, but to comfort them and show their forgiveness for his horrible crime.
I can send you the sermon if you want to read it.
The one thing that does scare me about you posting these stories is how will your kids take it if they read it? We just want to make sure that they know not to hold gruges or have hate towards a situation or a lifestyle. We want to show them forgiveness and loving one another.
Good post tho, does remind me all that I have expierenced with you.
I appreciate the comment. I know this looks as though I don't care for my father or anything of the sort. However, we have met since all of this and I have told him to his face that I forgive him. However, we must also realize it was not my place to forgive him for my parents divorce. Even though he was horrible acting, it was between him and my mother. I forgave him for his many mistakes he made as a parent and I told him I loved him.
Also, we can look in the Old Testament and look at where two men could no coexist with each other. They would acknowledge each other, but placed a stone in the middle and one walked one way and the other walked the opposite route. The stone was a reminder that together they could not coexist, but can exist apart from each other. They would acknowledege the other as well, but not in the sens of living in the same place or sharing a relationship.
I still acknowledge the fact that he is my father. There were many good times as there were bad times in our relationship. I don't know what the future holds but for now, I love him as my father. I love him for the way he raised me at certain times, however I do not love the person he is. He has continued to live in sin and justifies his action. I can not pull out the splinter in his eye and not look at the plank in my own. Matthew 18 tells us to frogive 70 x 7, which I have. Yet, I do not dwell on this as much anymore. There is a point to me sharing all of this. It all leads up to me encouraging others to lean on Christ more than anyone or anything else. My heavenly father. There is a point to it all.
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