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Let me begin by having a "bless his heart" moment; you know, the times where you say something nice, but then proceed to gossip about someone or something. None of this is going to be false or gossip. Everything in the weeks to come is ALL true and I wish I would be making this up. Join me on my trip about the father that I had but never wanted. Let it be known that I love my father with all my heart, only if I knew who my father was.

I grew up in a middle class family. My mom was a nurse and my father was a lawyer. Anything that I wanted, I pretty much got. I do believe I was spoiled as a kid. I had a great life. We took great vacations. My dad was a model citizen in the community. He stood for honesty and he always tried to help with those that needed help. I had a great father to look up to.

However, my first encounter with the father that I never wanted began when I was 9 years old. I had problems as a child with wetting the bed. There was no psychological reason for it, I just did. (Like I said, this is getting personal already!). So my parents decided to take me to a doctor to see if anything was wrong with me physically. However, the doctor that we went to was a friend of my dad because they worked in the same office complex. So we went to him.

This doctor had been friends with my dad for a few years and he said that he trusted him. He was NOT my primary care physician. We went because we got a deal, even though my mother worked at a doctors office who could have taken care of me for free. So off we went. The doctor entered the room, made my parents and the nurse leave the room, and made me take off my pants to "check" me. After the examination, I went home and that night and nights after that I was crying. This doctor had abused me. One night, my mom walked into my room, asked why I was crying and I told her what happened in exam room 3. She stayed with me in my room and cried with me that night.

The next day, my mother told my father what happened. He acted angry and said he was going to take action. Days went by, then a week. I was wondering what happened. Because of this event, I was seeing a therapist and I would always tell him I wanted to know what was happening with this doctor and my dad. I never found out that year. In fact, it was until I was 16 that I found out my father walked into his office and said we would not be coming back. Nothing else.

Now, I am not a father yet, so it is hard for me to describe what it would be like for me to defend my son. However, I can imagine that when I do become a father, I would be ready to shoot the man that touched my son. My dad did not. He talked sternly to him.

At this point in my life, this was the first time that I felt REAL disappointment. Nothing happened. No defense. No law suit. No nothing. Just simple talk that says we would not return.

My family was very active in the church. We loved our church and I was very involved in it, for a 9 year old. However, I was learning at this age what it meant to lean on God. I can't say that I knew God yet. I knew Bible stories and hymns, but I did NOT share a relationship much with my earthly father or my heavenly father. I just felt disconnected from both. And this is where my life started to take a turn.

I will continue tomorrow with part 2 of the father that I never wanted.