picking up the crumbs...

Yesterday was the first time since April that I updated my blog. It felt really good to be posting my thoughts and feelings on an issue that has been around for a while. Today, I have another issue that is on my mind and heart.

Pursuing Christ is the longest and hardest journey we will take until our lives here on earth are over. My life, over the past year, has taken such a long and curved path I felt lost, afraid, alone, and scared. Due to all of these emotions, I lashed out. How many times in ministry do we feel so backed up against the wall that we just lash out because our emotions get in the way of how God is going to be moved?

That is what happened to me. However, it was not people puting their problems on me, it was purely my fault. I let the world get the best of me, I tried to defend my castle and I lost the battle in a huge way. It cost me my job, my realtionships I had built, the reputation I once had and my credibility within certain circles of people. I let myself get a strong hold on the world that I live in and not to the world where moths and rust cannot destroy.

I lost a lot of my focus. After all of the foundation under me came out from under me, I no longer felt alone. When I was stripped of all my pride and the house that I built on the sand, God rushed through my life like water bursting through a dam.

I have since started to pick up the crumbs of my life. I had to start over. I had a major reality check before I could realize where God was leading me. I am now on the incline, with Christ by my side daily. Let me share a few things of where I went wrong:
1. Daily Reading- I tried to read daily. Did you catch that? I tried to read daily, but it wasn't my Bible I was reading. I was reading the latest blog post by the current cool pastor. I was reading the newest book to shape and form my own theology around.
2.Prayer- I was praying, but only before meals or after a talk. I didn't have the best prayer life. I was only praying when I needed something. God was my grocery store and I took only what I needed.
3. Supplication- I was feeding myself from the Gospel from books and other people rather than the Father Himself.
4. Application- I was not applying anything I was teaching or learning to my life. My pride got in the way and clouded my vision and judgement of everything around me and caused my ultimate demise.

These are the things I feel a lot of youth pastors may go through. We learn the new hip topics, keep up with the culture, try to fit in, and lose our focus of the things that really matter. As I pick up the crumbs from where I was and try to start fresh, learning from my past mistakes, I pray for those who may be going through these motions in the first place.

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