6:30 AM | Posted by Mark Ashby | Edit Post
Tomorrow will be 2 weeks to the day that I heard the worst news of my life. It has been a strange 2 weeks. I feel numb. I have been more sensitive to things, I see the importance of things and the unimportance of other things. I have taken a lot to heart in the past few weeks. Sunday was a very rough day. I had a lot of things that got to me and it was hard for me to function. There is a lot to this. Let me explain my thought process here.
2 weeks ago I heard the worst news in the world and I just didn't know what to do. I was leaning on those who may have dealt with this before or have helped people through it. This whole time, I was leaning on those with wisdom around me and trying to get others to tell me how to feel or react. However, the only thing I wasn't doing was leaning on God. I was praying, but it was almost an anger prayer to God. Nothing in my life really made sense. I then became numb. My feelings stopped, my heart became guarded, and I shut down spiritually. This is not the way to go.
SO, as we move ahead in this story, we come to yesterday. After a very emotional and strange Sunday I was determined to work through things. I came into the office. I came in wanting to be organized. I had a determined spirit about me. I asked God the night before, laying in bed, to take it all from me. Take everything. Let me live in Him. Even after this prayer, I still felt as though I had failed in my ministry somehow. Somehow, I let down the parents and the students, the church, and most important, I felt as though I let down God in the direction He desired this youth ministry to go. I was broken. I was broken and numb.
Now, I sit here in my office, and I have a determined spirit about me again today. I was here at the church for 12 hours yesterday, and I am feeling refreshed. I spent time with the one I love, I spent time with God this morning, and even yesterday I was writing and idea board up on the chalk board for different talk series ideas, ministry ideas, and outreach ideas. God, and some talking with an old friend Eric, really put a new fire in me. As I was reading my iPhone Bible app (yes, I am that guy) I came across the verses in 2nd Corinthians.
2 Corinthians 13:5-6
5Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you—unless, of course, you fail the test? 6And I trust that you will discover that we have not failed the test.
I have not failed God. Christ Jesus is in me. I have discovered that I have not failed the test. With Christ in me, I can do anything. Christ has told me I will do greater things than He. I have amazing things yet to do and it is all because of Christ that I am able to live and do these things in the first place. Wait and see readers, wait and see what God has for me.
People in my life may have failed me, but Christ never will. If He did, He would not be God. Keep your hearts, thoughts, and life on Christ for He is the only thing we can cling to in all area's of our life. He knows what goes on and what will go on. He desires to be with us and to love us and to know us. If you're Geoff Grubbs, He (and everyone else) knows how many hairs are on his head and if you have a lot of hair, He loved you even in your mothers womb. We must accept the grace and love the Christ has offered to us.
My numb feeling is coming and going. God is constant. He is the reason my heart beats. He is the reason I am breathing right now. I will fail those around me. I will fail God. In the end, I know that I am leaning on God.
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