crash (part 2)...

This week has been the most emotional week of my life. I don't even know where to begin. It is kind of out in the open now amongst the people who know me and my family. On Wednesday morning, last week, my father walked into my office and told me he was leaving my mother after 32 years of marriage. There. I said it. Every time I think about it, I get hurt. I feel as though I have been deceived by this and I feel as if my entire world has come crashing down. I feel as though I have hit a tree head on at 85 miles per hour. I am still numb.

Looking back at my actions this week, I was angry. I was saying things I didn't mean. I was thinking the worst of my father, because he is the one who pulled the trigger here. Both my parents are at fault, but in the end, I know that God is still on the throne. Divorce is an ugly word. I never liked it, I don't believe in it, and I will never accept it. I believe that anything can be worked through. It is just hard to see such bad things happening in your life.

I have had a lot of prayers from those who love my family and me. This week has caused me to step back and look at my ministry, my walk with Christ, my relationships and a lot of other areas of my life. This week I have questioned God. I have asked Him why this is happening? Why does He let this happen? It has caused me to search deeper in my faith because of it.

On Sunday night, I told my youth group about my parents divorce. I told them about the struggles I went through and the emotions that I felt. I told them what I saw. I told them how I looked at things. I then took a turn in the message. I looked at Acts chapter 2. The community comes together to help solve a problem of one of the people in the community. When one person has a problem, the whole community comes together, dropping everything they are doing, to find a solution to the problem. I told my students that I am their youth minister, but it is time for them to minister to me a little.

I was never more vulnerable in my life. I felt weak and transparent. There was no hallmark group hug or anything of that nature. The point of the night was to get the students to question God about things that they don't understand. It was a bonding moment with us as a group. Whether or not it effected them in a way that I will see now or never, I know that God used me that night. Maybe I reached one student, but to me that is success.

We tend to get so bogged down in life with the little things. When the next pay check is coming in, a report you have yet to finish and it is due in 2 hours, who is going to feed the dog. There are also times that we get stressed about the small things. Suddenly, when a crash occurs, we tend to let all the small things go, and we take a step back.

The past few days, I have been able to take a step back. I have looked at my actions and my life and have seen where I was to where I am now. I have come down a long and lonesome road in my life at times. When I should have leaned on God, I tried to lean on my own understanding. The life of a Christian is that of submission and death and new life. We submit to the will of God, we die to ourselves, and we have new life in Christ. This is a daily thing we must do to live in the will of God. My friends and family are still part of my life, and I truly believe that God put many people in my life that know Him for a reason. I have a great inner circle of people who hold me accountable for my actions and who love on me when I need it. They know that they will always have that in return.

Life is basically starting over for me. All the traditions I knew are going to change. The holidays will be difficult. Life will have to alternate to the new part of my life. I do know this, God is still on the throne in my life. God is working constantly. He is looking at the actions of my parents, but He is still looking at my actions as well. God has really helped me mature in a week. I feel more empowered by Christ than ever before. I have been able to search my faith, question God, and grow deeper because of it. Don't ever think it is wrong to question God. This is what causes us to find out what we truly believe and this is how we mature in our faith.

I am numb. I will still be numb for a long time. The shock has not worn off. The anger is still there. However, God is still on the throne in my life.
"Out of the muck and mire, my God lifted me up. God picked me up off the ground and led me back to the path. He walked with me, He held me, and now He is guiding me in a new path. The dirt is off my back. My shoulders aren't so heavy. He walked with me, He helped me, and now He is guiding me in a new life. God wept with me when I turned around and saw where I was. God turned my eyes to the light of the world. His son, Jesus Christ. As I walked closer with God, I grew to love Him more. He knew everything about me, and yet He still hugged me. He walked with me, He held me, and now He is guiding me to a new relationship. As I walked with God, He showed me His son. Jesus hugged me. After the hug, I looked down and I was white as snow. I was clean. No more muck and mire around me. Only light and love. He walked with me, He held me, He showed me His son. Jesus and I spoke daily. I told Him what I was doing. He laughed at me sometimes and other times He was sad for me. Sometimes I forgot to talk to Him, but He was still there with arms wide open. He walked with me, He held me, He loves me. Christ's reign is on the throne of Heaven. Jesus is the lord of the world, who saves us all from the muck and mire. Jesus has set my life and my heart on fire. He walked with me, He held me, He loves.....you"- Mark Ashby

1 comments:

Alex said...

Brother, my prayers are with you. If you need to escape reality for a while, let me know and we'll find somewhere to hide you.
Peace to you.

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